Eye Contact.

The feeling you get when someone looks you in the eye

is unmistakable.

The feeling you get when a stranger looks you in the eye

is riveting.

The feeling you get when someone you know looks you in the eye

is comforting.

The feeling you get when someone you used to know looks you in the eye

and says "Come to the bakesale!" with no recognition;

that's heartbreaking.

"...you know you don't have to,

but I would like it if you did."

Fortune Cookies 2.0

I got another double fortune the other day.

I ate the whole cookie this time.

"If you've got it, flaunt it."

"Good things come in invisible packages.

You will be delighted."

It seems as though I must flaunt my invisible package in order to gain happiness.

*sigh*

Conflict and Contradiction.

I'm playing a show tomorrow night.

I'm excited.

I swear, I really am.

Is it bad that I just want it to be done and over with?

Everything feels weird.

I think I just need a long night with a dreamless sleep.

If I have the same dream again, I'm going to go mad.

(Assuming it hasn't already happened yet.)

Show.

Tomorrow.

Oh dear.

My wrists are shaking.

This is irrelevant and boring.

I'll post something coherent tomorrow.

"What will it take to escape you?"

Fortune Cookies.

Chinese food.

No matter how full I am, I'll eat it.

It's a self control issue, sure, but you can't deny how awesome it is.

Today I got 2 fortunes in my cookie.

One said, "To be loved, be lovable"

and the other, "Tomorrow may be too late. Live today."

I proceeded to eat my cookie,

and clumsily dropped half.

Half a cookie, half a fortune.

But which half?

Just Sayin'

If I asked you kindly to go fuck yourself,

would that change anything?

...

Hm?

Extraneus.

Music playing: Milk Lizard - The Dillinger Escape Plan

The back door of the bus won't open to let me off.

"Well doesn't that suck."

"yeah..."

"You need to learn to speak up"

"Uh, yeah, this doesn't usually happen, though... thanks"

"no problem, have a nice night."

"yeah, you too..."

Strangers.

They're, well, strange.

The World Around Me...

...is a strange place.

Fascination.

It overcomes people.

Controls them.

Infects them.

But how does it come across?

Creepy,

Obsessive,

Animalistic.

Like a lion stalking its prey.

If it's all in good nature,

should it still feel strange?

Perhaps not.

But it still does.

And to tell you the

truth, I'm not one bit

interested in this man

watching me on the bus.

-~-

A Visual Update:

Separation Anxiety

I need to move on.

This is silly.

The Follow Up (and Other Apathetic Thoughts)

I stood next to the metro tracks today, waiting for the same sensation as the other day. Nothing. In that very instant, I began to question everything I live for. The list wasn't exactly a long one. I wish I knew what I was doing with my life. Hey, I'm no philosopher. I'm not about to waste my life trying to figure out it's purpose and die not having learned a thing. I'm just curious and lazy and I would love to have life's answers thrust upon me. But I've been told life isn't like that. No one can know for sure. Today was a very sad day and I found myself helplessly staring at the faces of strangers in hopes of a thrill. Again, nothing.

I listened to this on repeat on my walk home from the bus stop today.

"So you'd sing a lullaby to get me to sleep

So it's no surprise my eyes are never heavy
For i've not seen you in the flesh for so long
That i'm not sure we would know each other at all

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are
Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don't think twice wherever you are

So i will hum alone, too far from you
All that i say now is nothing to you
We will lie under different stars
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Oh the weight it must be light wherever you are
And i know you don' t think twice wherever you are
And i'd ask if you're all right wherever you are
And do you think of me, you might, wherever you are"

It's a pretty accurate description of how I feel and the situation I'm in.

And by pretty accurate, I mean creepily spot on.

Oddity.

I got the strangest feeling today.

After class, I was waiting for the metro and as it pulled up, I felt a strange feeling of liberation, of freedom. But it wasn't just any kind of freedom. As the metro pulled up and the wind blew past, I felt like jumping in front of it. Now, let's make it clear. I'm VERY happy with the twisted little life I have and I have no intentions of ending it anytime soon. This is why this feeling was strange. I found myself walking closer and closer uncontrollably and I had to shake my senses to stop myself. In that instant, as the wind blew through my skirt and my little shoes tapped the floor impatiently, I felt as though the ultimate freedom lay just in front of me. I felt as though I should have jumped and I imagined the very sensation. The wind blowing my skirt and hair behind me, the people watching in shock, and a smile on my face.

As I got on the metro, the grin fell right off my face and I found myself thinking of everything in my life that I'd love to forget. All the things I need to clean from my conscience and my heart to fulling start anew.

I've been listening to "My Backwards Walk" by Frightened Rabbit on repeat almost all day.

Change.

Change is here.