Extremities and Music Reviews

The country/college transition was a lot smoother than I imagined it being. However, it was also everything I expected it to be. 

In a sea of 10,000 people, it's impossible to run into the same person twice entirely by accident. Unless fate is involved, but how many people actually still believe in that garbage anyway? I mean, I know I do...

Sometimes I see people and I think "Is this the person that's going to change my life for the better?" and then they walk away, into the sea of 10,000 people that could be exactly like them or entirely different, but there's not a way to know.

Yes, that seems to by my quest. I'm trying to find someone to save me. From what, you might ask? Myself, my past and my future. The only way to keep myself sane is to think, "One day, someone will come along and turn everything around, and that's what I'm living for."

I'm living for a stranger.

I'm living for someone I thought I'd already met.

I'm living for someone I've lost.

I'm living for fiction.

Am I living?

-~-

Music I've been quite partial to:

Margot and the Nuclear So and So's - Not Animal

The Most Serene Republic - ...And the Ever Expanding Universe

Paper Rival - Paper Rival-EP

Frightened Rabbit - The Midnight Organ Fight

Menomena - Wet and Rusting

Saoirse

Saoirse. ['seer-shuh']

Gaelic for "freedom".

It's a funny thing, really.

Change is the key to freedom. Travel is the key to freedom.

Essentially, running away from containment, whether it be physical or emotional, leads fundamentally to freedom. 

I tried to be free. I attempted to escape my containment. Here I am.

The only place I ever felt free was in a contained environment with the same people for 8 weeks consecutively. This is not freedom.

It took me 3 years to realize that running away to another place doesn't solve anything because here I am, ready to run once again.

I leave tomorrow. I'm enthused. Still, I can't reach a medium.

The contrast between country and city is ridiculously vast. I'm attempting to erase my life. All loose ties and flaky friendships: gone. All evidence of awkward life transitions or phases of extremities: gone. But I can't help but think that cutting myself free of these ties might leave me alone. If you break all the bonds you've made, how easy is it to make more?

I start college on monday. Every person in my program is a complete nob-head as far as I can tell thus far. I'm not so sure about anything anymore.

Who knows, sitting alone everyday for the rest of my life might not be that bad...

I might also meet someone who'll change my life again, sending my into a whirlwind fiasco of intense emotions where I'll have to change my life all over again.

Drastic? Maybe.

Helpful? Definitely.

Unwanted Answers

I hate when you're dying to know something,

but once you've found it, you'd rather not know.

Not because it's disturbing or unpleasant,

but because you've got it all figured out in your head

and the given answer doesn't match.

When your understandings of reality don't match

and you feel like you're losing someone.

(someone who is essentially you in another person 

but somehow more interesting and cooler than you are)

I start college in 9 days.

What the fuck.

Topics that shouldn't be over-thought (or thought of at all...)

Words.

Words mean everything. Weighing them out perfectly is also a challenge.

Like, when you want to ask a question, starting it with "I don't want this to be awkward but-" never actually works the way you want it to. It just makes things awkward.

Sometimes words are often misjudged or misused. "Oh my god, I love her so much" amongst female friends is far too common. You eliminate the weight of the words. They just become syllables placed together. The message is sent across, but is entirely misinterpreted. Whether intentionally or not.

Oftentimes people say things they don't mean. Hate, for example, is also overused and hardly ever meant sincerely.

Most people have stopped thinking.

Words are obsolescent.

Than what does anything mean anymore?

I met this person once. He hardly spoke, but when he did he always had something clever or interesting to say. It was intimidating but refreshing. He acted upon his actions and never felt the need to explain them as well. Maybe he didn't need to. Maybe I think too much. Maybe one should only speak after much thought.

Maybe this will take a lot longer than I would like it to.

The message probably won't go anywhere fast.

I slept for 12 hours last night.

I hardly worked today as well.

But I'm drained.

Emotionally and physically.

Although the line has begun to blur.

Who knows what's what anymore.

Words? Who needs them anymore?

(Me?)

Interuptions

For me, the summer consists of 8 weeks.

I spend them all at a summer camp for families, kids, teens and adults living with H.I.V and AIDs.

6 weeks have passed.

The other 2 can't go by any slower.

Damn dinner bell. I guess there's pizza...

Pizza consumed.

Where was I?

Right.

8 weeks is far too long for anyone to be in the same place for.

Well, I guess home is the exception, and some could call this home.

Others wouldn't.

I would be one of those others.

Always.

Evidently there's a problem and seemingly no solution.

What am I talking about?

Insanity.

This Tree Looks Familiar

I've attempted to make a blog before.

I sense failure in the near future.

I also sense a numbing sensation in my chest.

The rest is irrelevant.

That last thing probably is too.